


I Don't Know Where I'm Goin'

by angelskuuipo



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Angst with a Hopeful Ending, Character Study, F/M, GFY, Mid-Late season 2, No episode spoilers, mild AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-11
Updated: 2015-04-11
Packaged: 2018-03-22 09:48:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3724369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelskuuipo/pseuds/angelskuuipo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He didn’t know how to do this; how to be the man she saw, but he wanted to.  That had to count for something, right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Don't Know Where I'm Goin'

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Not mine, never have been, never will be…damn it.
> 
> I am stalled on another writing project, but this little gem demanded to be written, so I complied. A few months ago, Rua1412 gave me the prompt of ‘Broken Arrow…like the movie’ with either Willow/Angel or Oliver/Felicity as the pairing. This has absolutely nothing in common with the movie, but it does highlight Oliver and his brokenness. I hope you like this, honey! Big thanks to Elisabeth for the beta. Title taken from Whitesnake’s ‘Here I Go Again’… don’t ask.
> 
> Written: April 10, 2015  
> Word Count: 2,071

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“I’m not a good person.”

Felicity looked up from her monitors to see Oliver standing on the other side of her desk. He had discarded his hood and jacket, but still had on the black t-shirt he’d worn underneath and the leather pants of his uniform. His head was down and his fists were clenched and she wondered what had brought on his confession.

Before she could say anything, though, he continued, still looking at the floor. “I was a spoiled, selfish boy who never thought about anyone but himself. I never worried about the consequences, because for me there weren’t any that my family’s money couldn’t take care of. I cheated on my girlfriend with her _sister_. I took Sara on the _Queen’s Gambit_ with me, hid her on board like a dirty little secret after I kissed Laurel goodbye on the dock, because I liked the thrill of getting away with something. Thing was, I actually liked Sara. We were a lot better suited than Laurel and I. We were both just looking for a good time.

Then the boat went down and Sara was gone and my father killed himself so I could live and I washed up on the island. I knew absolutely fuck all about how to survive. I honestly thought I would die there. The things that Fyers and his men did to me… Some days I really wish I had, but I guess I’m still selfish, because I didn’t. Yao Fei and later, Slade and Shado, taught me how to live and fight and survive. I learned things I never wanted to know. And then Sara was there again, but she had changed just as much if not more than I had. In the end, I still couldn’t save her. I lost them all.

Then there was Hong Kong and Amanda Waller and the things she made me do. I wanted so badly to just go home, but other people’s lives were at stake. I never wanted to learn how to torture someone. I never wanted to become a coldblooded killer, but I didn’t have a choice. I did what she wanted and I was supposed to get to come home, but she took that away from me.

When I finally did get to come home, I had this mission and after everything I’d done it felt like there was only one way to accomplish it. The people I crossed off my father’s list were scum and they deserved what they got. At least, that’s what I told myself. If they were dead they couldn’t hurt anyone anymore. It was…expedient.”

The whole time he’d been talking Oliver had kept his head down, but he looked up at her then. Felicity was doing her best not to cry. It was the most he’d ever shared and she wasn’t sure why he’d chosen to do so now. She had so many questions, especially about Hong Kong and what the hellbitch from ARGUS had to do with anything, but she didn’t dare say a word, because as much as it hurt to hear him talk it would hurt even more if he didn’t finish what he’d started.

“Then I met you and you forced me to find a better way. I hated you a little bit for making me see the humanity in the names on the list, but you were right. I didn’t like killing. I just wasn’t sure I could stop. It was all I’d known for so long. Then Tommy… I made the choice and it was as much for him and you as it was for me.”

His voice cracked and Felicity bit her lip against the sob building in her chest.

He took a shuddering breath and continued. “Being around you makes me happy, Felicity. I’d forgotten what that even felt like. And I am terrified because of it. I don’t deserve it. If I let you in more than I already have, will I still be able to do what’s necessary? I don’t want to drag you down with me, but I don’t know if I can climb up to where you are. I don’t know how to be normal. I don’t know what to do.”

Oliver looked so lost, it broke her heart. She got up and rounded her desk, very conscious of his eyes following her every move. Felicity reached out and gently took his clenched fists into her hands, ignoring his flinch at the contact. She rubbed the backs of his hands with her thumbs until he relaxed and then she laced their fingers together.

Felicity looked at him and tried to sort out her thoughts. Finally, she just went for it. “I didn’t know you before the island. All I know is the man who survived five years in hell. Even a fraction of what you’ve been through would change a man, make him harder and dangerous. And everything you learned or did in that time led you to be here now. Oliver, you _survived_. You didn’t let it break you. I don’t care who you used to be. I like who you are now. I have never felt safer than when I’m with you. 

Yes, what you do is dangerous. Yes, it could and has put me in danger, but it’s also my choice. I _chose_ to help you. I _chose_ to stay after we found Walter. I can’t imagine not having you or Dig or all of this in my life. What we do matters.”

She licked her lips and squeezed his hands to make sure he was paying attention. She felt slightly heartened when he squeezed back. “You make me happy, too, Oliver. You drive me to drink some nights when you get reckless and when you get stubborn and won’t listen until it’s too late, but you make me happy. As for normal? Normal is relative. We run a multi-billion dollar company by day and fight crime by night. That’s our normal.” She blinked a few times as she processed what she just said. “Wow. Our normal is really not like other people’s.”

The corner of Oliver’s mouth ticked up and Felicity could have danced a jig. Her heart was pounding and she felt a little lightheaded. This was not the conversation she’d envisioned having when she’d arrived at the lair that night. Honestly, she’d never envisioned having this conversation at all. She thought they would continue to ignore the giant elephant in the room that was their unspoken feelings.

Granted, all they’d really divulged was they made each other happy, but that was pretty huge in the grand scheme of things. And she was about to risk it all with her next question.

“Oliver, what brought this on?”

His hands tightened on hers and she could see the muscle in his jaw jump as he ground his teeth. She thought he wasn’t going to answer, but after a few minutes of silence he growled out, “Slade.”

Felicity tilted her head and kept her gaze steady. Oliver let go of her hand and reached up to cradle the side of her face. She turned into his palm and waited.

“He figured out that you’re important to me. He’s going to come after you. I want to keep you safe, but I don’t know how. I don’t know how to beat him. He pretty much taught me everything I know, but he didn’t teach me everything he knew. I’d rather die than let anything happen to you and if that happened, I didn’t want to go out without you knowing how I feel.”

She could feel a hysterical laugh building in her chest and she fought it down. Instead, Felicity closed the distance between them and wrapped her arms around him. Oliver stood stiffly for a moment before he returned the hug and laid his cheek on the top of her head.

“Will you let me go after him my way?” she asked softly.

“What do you mean?”

“I haven’t used all my resources yet. You’ve been hell bent on taking him down your way, so I held back. Let me off the leash and we’ll end this.”

Oliver pushed her back so he could frown at her. “If he finds out-“

She interrupted him. “You just said he’s going to come after me anyway, let me give him a good reason. I can end this, Oliver. Please, let me do this.”

“He’s my mistake,” he said stubbornly.

“And you’re not alone anymore,” Felicity countered. “You don’t have to handle it all yourself. Like you said, he knows your playbook because he taught it to you. It’s time to go off script.”

Oliver stared at her as if he could read her soul and Felicity let him look. She let him see her confidence, because she honestly thought she could do this. Yes, she’d held back because Oliver wanted to do things his way, but she’d also held back because if she got caught she’d get dropped in a hole so deep she’d never see the light of day again. She was going to break so many laws that whatever Oliver had done in the last seven years would look like child’s play. But if it meant stopping Slade and keeping anyone else from getting hurt? There was no choice really.

“Okay.”

Felicity blinked at him. “Really?” She really hadn’t expected him to give her the go ahead.

Oliver gave her a fleeting grin. “Well, it’s obviously not working my way, so maybe it is time to try something new.” He sobered and cupped her face with both hands. “But you be careful, Felicity. I can’t lose you.”

“I will be and you won’t. I’m not going anywhere.”

He leaned in like he was going to kiss her, but he froze. Felicity ran her eyes over his face and then made the decision for him. She leaned up the last few inches and pressed her lips to his. He didn’t respond at first and she started to regret her impulsiveness. Then he groaned deep in his chest and pulled her closer, his lips moving on hers.

They lost themselves for a few minutes before he pulled back, breathing harshly. “Not yet,” he rasped. “Not until this is over.”

Felicity wobbled on her heels and his hands came down to rest on her hips to steady her. She blinked a few times and frowned up at him. She didn’t like but… “You’re probably right.”

She licked her lips. “Still, that was…”

“Incredible,” he finished hoarsely.

With a shy smile she nodded. “That works.”

He smiled back and Felicity felt something inside her relax. They hadn’t really resolved anything. In fact they had probably only brought up more issues, but she had hope that they were finally on the same page. And if that kiss was any indication, they had a lot to look forward to.

She popped up on her toes and pressed another kiss to the corner of Oliver’s mouth before she stepped out of his arms and moved back to her chair. “I’ve got work to do. Slade Wilson is going down.”

Oliver stayed where he was and just looked at her with a bemused smile on his face. Once she was settled in front her monitors she looked up at him and said as seriously as she could, “You were wrong, you know.”

His brow furrowed. “About what?”

“When you said you weren’t a good person. If you weren’t a good person you wouldn’t feel remorse for the things you’ve done. You wouldn’t be trying to make amends. You might not see it, but I do. Dig does. Others do, too, even if they won’t admit it. You are a good person, Oliver Queen, and when this is all over I will do my best to make you believe it.”

He turned his head away and Felicity could swear he was blushing a little. She let him have his dignity and focused on her first search. She startled when she felt the brush of his lips against her temple, but she melted when he whispered, “If you believe in me then maybe there’s hope for me after all. Thank you, Felicity.”

He left her to her computers and she dove in with fierce determination. Oh yes, Slade Wilson was going down. They’d do it together. As partners. As a team. As a family.

Together, they could do anything.

-30-


End file.
